Anton Pavlovich Chekhov




   The Wedding

     Translated by Julius West



    Characters:

     E v d o k i m  Z a h a r o v i t c h  Z h i g a l o v,  a  retired   Civil 
Servant. 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a, his wife. 
     D a s h e n k a,  their daughter. 
     E p a m i n o n d   M a x i m o v i t c h    A p l o m b o v,   Dashenka's 
bridegroom. 
     F y o d o r  Y a k o v l e v i t c h   R e v u n o v - K a r a u l o v,  a 
retired captain. 
     A n d r e y  A n d r e y e v i t c h  N u n i n,  an insurance agent. 
     A n n a  M a r t i n o v n a  Z m e y u k i n a,  a midwife, aged 30, in a 
brilliantly red dress.
     I v a n  M i h a i l o v i t c h  Y a t s,  a telegraphist. 
     H a r l a m p i    S p i r i d o n o v i t c h    D i m b a,    a    Greek 
confectioner. 
     D m i t r i  S t e p a n o v i t c h  M o z g o v o y,  a  sailor  of  the 
Imperial Navy (Volunteer Fleet). 
     G r o o m s m e n,  g e n t l e m e n,  w a i t e r s,  etc. 

       The scene is laid in one of the rooms of Andronov's Restaurant.          

A brilliantly illuminated room. A large table,  laid  for  supper.  Waiters  in 
dress-jackets are fussing round the table. An orchestra  behind  the  scene  is 
            playing the music of the last figure of a quadrille.               

   Z m e y u k i n a,  Y a t s,  and a  g r o o m s m a n  cross the stage.    

     Z m e y u k i n a.  No, no, no! 
     Y a t s (following her).  Have pity on us! Have pity! 
     Z m e y u k i n a.  No, no, no! 
     G r o o m s m a n (chasing them).  You can't go on like  this!  Where  are 
you off to? What about the grand ronde? Grand ronde, s'il vous plait! 

                              They all go off. 
    Enter  N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a  and  A p l o m b o v.              

     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a.  You had much  better  be  dancing 
than upsetting me with your speeches. 
     A p l o m b o v.  I'm not a Spinosa or anybody of that sort, to go  making 
figures-of-eight with my legs. I am a serious man, and I have a character,  and 
I see no amusement in empty pleasures. But it isn't just a  matter  of  dances. 
You must excuse me, maman, but there is a good deal  in  your  behaviour  which 
I am unable to understand. For instance, in addition  to  objects  of  domestic 
importance, you promised also to give  me,  with  your  daughter,  two  lottery 
tickets. Where are they? 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a.  My  head's  aching  a   little... 
I expect it's on account of the weather... If only it thawed! 
     A p l o m b o v.  You won't get out of it like  that.  I  only  found  out 
to-day that those tickets are in pawn. You must excuse me, maman, but it's only 
swindlers who behave like that. I'm not doing this out of egoisticism - I don't 
want your tickets - but on principle; and I don't allow myself to  be  done  by 
anybody. I have made your daughter happy, and if you don't give me the  tickets 
to-day I'll make short work of her. I'm an honourable man! 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a (looks round the table  and  counts 
up the covers).  One, two, three, four, five... 
     W a i t e r.  The cook asks if you would like the ices  served  with  rum, 
madeira, or by themselves? 
     A p l o m b o v.  With rum. And tell the manager that there's  not  enough 
wine. Tell him to prepare some more Haut Sauterne. (To  Nastasya  Timofeyevna.) 
You also promised and agreed that a general was to be here to supper. And where 
is he? 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a.  That isn't my fault, my dear. 
     A p l o m b o v.  Whose fault, then? 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a.   It's    Andrey    Andreyevitch's 
fault... Yesterday he came to see us and promised to  bring  a  perfectly  real 
general. (Sighs.) I suppose he couldn't find one anywhere, or he'd have brought 
him... You think we don't mind? We'd begrudge our child nothing. A general,  of 
course... 
     A p l o m b o v.  But  there's  more...  Everybody,  including   yourself, 
maman, is aware of the fact that Yats, that telegraphist,  was  after  Dashenka 
before I proposed to her. Why did you invite him? Surely you knew it  would  be 
unpleasant for me? 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a.  Oh,  how   can   you?   Epaminond 
Maximovitch was married himself only the other day, and you've already tired me 
and Dashenka out with your talk. What will you be like in a  year's  time?  You 
are horrid, really horrid. 
     A p l o m b o v.  Then you don't like to hear the truth? Aha! Oh, oh! Then 
behave honourably. I only want you to do one thing, be honourable! 

Couples dancing the grand ronde come in at one door and out at the  other  end. 
The first couple are  D a s h e n k a  with one of the  g r o o m s m e n.  The 
last  are   Y a t s   and   Z m e y u k i n a.   These   two   remain   behind. 
       Z h i g a l o v  and  D i m b a  enter and go up to the table.                   

     G r o o m s m a n (shouting).  Promenade! Messieurs, promenade!  (Behind). 
Promenade! 

                   The dancers have all left the scene.

     Y a t s (To Zmeyukina).  Have pity! Have pity, adorable Anna Martinovna. 
     Z m e y u k i n a.  Oh, what a man!.. I've already told you that  I've  no 
voice to-day. 
     Y a t s.  I implore you to sing! Just one note! Have pity! Just one note! 
     Z m e y u k i n a.  I'm tired of you... (Sits and fans herself.) 
     Y a t s.  No, you're simply heartless! To be so cruel - if I  may  express 
myself - and to have such a beautiful, beautiful voice! With such a  voice,  if 
you will forgive my using the word, you shouldn't be a  midwife,  but  sing  at 
concerts,  at  public  gatherings!  For  example,  how  divinely  you  do  that 
fioritura... that... (Sings.) "I loved you; love was vain  then..."  Exquisite! 
     Z m e y u k i n a. (Sings.)  "I loved you, and may love  again."  Is  that 
it? 
     Y a t s.  That's it! Beautiful! 
     Z m e y u k i n a.  No, I've no voice to-day... There, wave this  fan  for 
me...  it's  hot!  (To  Aplombov.)  Epaminond  Maximovitch,  why  are  you   so 
melancholy? A bridegroom shouldn't be! Aren't  you  ashamed  of  yourself,  you 
wretch? Well, what are you so thoughtful about? 
     A p l o m b o v.  Marriage  is  a  serious  step!   Everything   must   be 
considered from all sides, thoroughly. 
     Z m e y u k i n a.  What beastly  sceptics  you  all  are!  I  feel  quite 
suffocated with you all around... Give me atmosphere!  Do  you  hear?  Give  me 
atmosphere! (Sings a few notes.) 
     Y a t s.  Beautiful! Beautiful! 
     Z m e y u k i n a.  Fan me, fan me, or I feel I shall have a heart  attack 
in a minute. Tell me, please, why do I feel so suffocated? 
     Y a t s.  It's because you're sweating... 
     Z m e y u k i n a.  Foo, how vulgar you are! Don't dare to use such words! 
     Y a t s.  Beg pardon! Of  course,  you're  used,  if  I  may  say  so,  to 
aristocratic society and... 
     Z m e y u k i n a.  Oh, leave me alone! Give me poetry, delight!  Fan  me, 
fan me! 
     Z h i g a l o v. (To Dimba.)  Let's have another, what? (Pours  out.)  One 
can always drink. So long only, Harlampi Spiridonovitch, as one doesn't  forget 
one's business. Drink and be merry... And if you can drink at  somebody  else's 
expense, then why not drink? You can drink... Your health! (They drink.) And do 
you have tigers in Greece? 
     D i m b a.  Yes. 
     Z h i g a l o v.  And lions? 
     D i m b a.  And lions too. In Russia zere's nussing, and in Greece  zere's 
everysing - my fazer and uncle and brozeres - and here zere's nussing. 
     Z h i g a l o v.  H'm... And are there whales in Greece? 
     D i m b a.  Yes, everysing. 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a. (To her husband.)  What  are  they 
all eating and drinking like that for? It's time for everybody to sit  down  to 
supper. Don't keep on shoving your fork into the lobsters...  They're  for  the 
general. He may come yet... 
     Z h i g a l o v.  And are there lobsters in Greece? 
     D i m b a.  Yes... zere is everysing. 
     Z h i g a l o v.  Hm... And Civil Servants?
     Z m e y u k i n a.  I can imagine what the atmosphere is like in Greece! 
     Z h i g a l o v.  There must be a lot of swindling. The  Greeks  are  just 
like the Armenians or gipsies. They sell you a sponge or a goldfish and all the 
time they are looking out for a chance of getting something extra out  of  you. 
Let's have another, what? 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a.  What do you want to go on  having 
another for? It's time everybody sat down to supper. It's past eleven. 
     Z h i g a l o v.  If it's time, then  it's  time.  Ladies  and  gentlemen, 
please! (Shouts.) Supper! Young people! 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a.  Dear visitors, please be seated! 
     Z m e y u k i n a (sitting down at the table).  Give me poetry. 

           "And he, the rebel, seeks the storm, 
           As if the storm can give him peace." 

Give me the storm! 
     Y a t s (aside).  Wonderful woman! I'm in love! Up to my ears! 

Enter  D a s h e n k a,   M o z g o v o y,   g r o o m s m e n,   v a r i o u s 
l a d i e s  a n d  g e n t l e m e n, etc. They all noisily seat themselves at 
     the table. There is a minute's pause, while the band plays a march.                      

     M o z g o v o y (rising).  Ladies and gentlemen! I must tell  you  this... 
We are going to have a great many toasts and speeches. Don't  let's  wait,  but 
begin at once. Ladies and gentlemen, the newly married! 

The band plays a flourish. Cheers. Glasses  are  touched.  A p l o m b o v  and  
                      D a s h e n k a  kiss each other.                          
       
     Y a t s.  Beautiful! Beautiful! I must say, ladies and  gentlemen,  giving 
honour where it is due, that this room  and  the  accommodation  generally  are 
splendid! Excellent, wonderful! Only you know, there's  one  thing  we  haven't 
got - electric light, if I may say so! Into every country  electric  light  has 
already been introduced, only Russia lags behind. 
     Z h i g a l o v (meditatively).  Electricity...  h'm...  In   my   opinion 
electric lighting is just a swindle... They put a live coal in  and  think  you 
don't see them! No, if you want a light,  then  you  don't  take  a  coal,  but 
something real, something special, that you can get hold of! You  must  have  a 
fire, you understand, which is natural, not just an invention! 
     Y a t s.  If you'd ever seen an electric battery, and how  it's  made  up, 
you'd think differently. 
     Z h i g a l o v.  Don't want to see one. It's a swindle, a  fraud  on  the 
public... They want to squeeze our last breath  out  of  us...  We  know  then, 
these... And, young man, instead of defending a  swindle,  you  would  be  much 
better occupied if you had another yourself  and  poured  out  some  for  other 
people - yes! 
     A p l o m b o v.  I entirely agree with you, papa.  Why  start  a  learned 
discussion? I  myself  have  no  objection  to  talking  about  every  possible 
scientific discovery, but this isn't the time for all that! (To Dashenka.) What 
do you think, ma chère? 
     D a s h e n k a.  They want to show how educated they  are,  and  so  they 
always talk about things we can't understand. 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a.  Thank God, we've lived  our  time 
without being educated, and here we are marrying off our third daughter  to  an 
honest man. And if you think we're uneducated, then what do you  want  to  come 
here for? Go to your educated friends! 
     Y a t s.  I,  Nastasya  Timofeyevna,  have  always  held  your  family  in 
respect, and if I did start talking about electric  lighting  it  doesn't  mean 
that I'm proud. I'll drink, to show you. I have always sincerely  wished  Daria 
Evdokimovna a  good  husband.  In  these  days,  Nastasya  Timofeyevna,  it  is 
difficult to find a good husband. Nowadays everybody is  on  the  look-out  for 
a marriage where there is profit, money... 
     A p l o m b o v.  That's a hint! 
     Y a t s. (his courage failing).  I wasn't hinting at  anything...  Present 
company is always excepted... I was only in general... Please! Everybody  knows 
that you're marrying for love... the dowry is quite trifling. 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a.  No, it  isn't  trifling!  You  be 
careful what you say. Besides a thousand roubles of good  money,  we're  giving 
three dresses, the bed, and all the furniture. You  won't  find  another  dowry 
like that in a hurry! 
     Y a t s.  I didn't mean... The furniture's splendid, of course, and... and 
the dresses, but I never hinted at what they are getting offended at. 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a.  Don't you  go  making  hints.  We 
respect you on account of your parents, and we've invited you to  the  wedding, 
and here you go talking. If you knew that Epaminond  Maximovitch  was  marrying 
for profit, why didn't you say so before? (Tearfully.) I brought her up, I  fed 
her, I nursed her... I cared for her more than if she was an emerald jewel,  my 
little girl... 
     A p l o m b o v.  And you go and believe him? Thank you so much! I'm  very 
grateful to you!  (To Yats.)  And  as  for  you,  Mr. Yats,  although  you  are 
acquainted with me, I shan't allow you to behave like this in another's  house. 
Please get out of this! 
     Y a t s.  What do you mean? 
     A p l o m b o v.  I want you to be as straightforward as I am!  In  short, 
please get out! 

                           Band plays a flourish. 
   
     G e n t l e m e n.  Leave him alone! Sit down! Is it worth it! Let him be! 
Stop it now! 
     Y a t s.  I never... I... I don't understand... Please,  I'll  go...  Only 
you first give me the five roubles which you borrowed from me last year on  the 
strength of a piqué waistcoat, if I may say so. Then  I'll  just  have  another 
drink and... go, only give me the money first. 
     V a r i o u s  g e n t l e m e n.  Sit down! That's enough!  Is  it  worth 
it, just for such trifles? 
     G r o o m s m a n (shouts).  The health of the  bride's  parents,  Evdokim 
Zaharitch and Nastasya Timofeyevna! 

                       Band plays a flourish. Cheers. 

     Z h i g a l o v (bows in all directions, in great emotion).  I thank  you! 
Dear guests! I am very grateful to you for not having forgotten and for  having 
conferred this honour upon us without being standoffish And you must not  think 
that I'm a rascal, or that I'm trying to swindle anybody. I'm speaking from  my 
heart - from the purity of my soul! I wouldn't deny anything to good people! We 
thank you very humbly! (Kisses.) 
     D a s h e n k a (to her mother).  Mama, why are you crying? I'm so  happy! 
     A p l o m b o v.  Maman  is  disturbed  at  your  coming  separation.  But 
I should advise her rather to remember the last talk we had. 
     Y a t s.  Don't cry,  Nastasya Timofeyevna!  Just  think  what  are  human 
tears, anyway? Just petty psychiatry, and nothing more! 
     Z h i g a l o v.  And are there any red-haired men in Greece? 
     D i m b a.  Yes, everysing is zere. 
     Z h i g a l o v.  But you don't have our kinds of mushroom. 
     D i m b a.  Yes, we've got zem and everysing. 
     M o z g o v o y.  Harlampi Spiridonovitch, it's your turn to speak! Ladies 
and gentlemen, a speech! 
     A l l (to Dimba).  Speech! speech! Your turn! 
     D i m b a.  Why? I don't understand... What is it! 
     Z m e y u k i n a.  No, no! You can't refuse! It's you turn! Get up! 
     D i m b a (gets up, confused).  I can't  say  what...  Zere's  Russia  and 
zere's Greece. Zere's people in Russia  and  people  in  Greece...  And  zere's 
people swimming the sea in karavs, which mean sips, and people on the  land  in 
railway trains. I understand. We are Greeks and you are Russians,  and  I  want 
nussing... I can tell you... zere's Russia and zere's Greece... 

                             Enter  N u n i n. 

     N u n i n.  Wait, ladies and gentlemen, don't  eat  now!  Wait!  Just  one 
minute, Nastasya Timofeyevna!  Just  come  here,  if  you  don't  mind!  (Takes 
Nastasya Timofeyevna aside, puffing.) Listen... The General's coming... I found 
one at last... I'm simply worn out... A real General, a  solid  one - old,  you 
know, aged perhaps eighty, or even ninety. 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a.  When is he coming? 
     N u n i n.  This minute. You'll be grateful to me all your life. 
A few lines have been omitted: they refer to the "General's" rank and its civil 
equivalent in words for which the English language has no corresponding  terms. 
The "General" is an ex-naval officer, a second-class captain. 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a.  You're not deceiving  me,  Andrey 
darling? 
     N u n i n.  Well, now, am I a swindler? You needn't worry! 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a (sighs).  One doesn't like to spend 
money for nothing, Andrey darling! 
     N u n i n.  Don't you worry! He's not a general, he's a dream! (Raises his 
voice.) I said to him: "You've quite forgotten us, your  Excellency!  It  isn't 
kind of your Excellency to forget your old friends!  Nastasya  Timofeyevna,"  I 
said to him, "she's very annoyed with you about it!"  (Goes  and  sits  at  the 
table.) And he says to me: "But, my friend, how can I go when I don't know  the 
bridegroom?" "Oh,  nonsense,  your  excellency,  why  stand  on  ceremony?  The 
bridegroom," I said to him, "he's a fine fellow, very free  and  easy.  He's  a 
valuer," I said, "at the Law courts, and don't you think, your excellency, that 
he's some rascal, some knave of hearts. Nowadays," I said to him, "even  decent 
women are employed at the Law courts." He slapped me on the shoulder, we smoked 
a Havana cigar  each,  and  now  he's  coming...  Wait  a  little,  ladies  and 
gentlemen, don't eat... 
     A p l o m b o v.  When's he coming? 
     N u n i n.  This minute. When I left him he was  already  putting  on  his 
goloshes. Wait a little, ladies and gentlemen, don't eat yet. 
     A p l o m b o v.  The band should be told to play a march. 
     N u n i n (shouts).  Musicians! A march! 

                    The band plays a march for a minute. 

     W a i t e r.  Mr. Revunov-Karaulov! 
            
Z h i g a l o v,  N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a,  and  N u n i n   run 
            to meet him. Enter  R e v u n o v - K a r a u l o v. 
         
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a  (bowing).  Please  come  in,  your 
excellency! So glad you've come! 
     R e v u n o v.  Awfully! 
     Z h i g a l o v.  We,  your  excellency,  aren't  celebrities,  we  aren't 
important, but quite ordinary, but don't think on that account that there's any 
fraud. We put good people into the best place, we begrudge nothing. Please! 
     R e v u n o v.  Awfully glad! 
     N u n i n.  Let me introduce to  you,  your  excellency,  the  bridegroom, 
Epaminond Maximovitch Aplombov,  with  his  newly  born...  I  mean  his  newly 
married wife! Ivan Mihailovitch Yats, employed on the telegraph! A foreigner of 
Greek nationality, a confectioner by trade, Harlampi Spiridonovitch Dimba! Osip 
Lukitch Babelmandebsky! And so on, and so on... The rest are  just  trash.  Sit 
down, your excellency! 
     R e v u n o v.  Awfully! Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I just  want  to 
say two words to Andrey. (Takes Nunin aside.) I say, old man, I'm a little  put 
out... Why do you call me your excellency? I'm not a general! I don't  rank  as 
the equivalent of a colonel, even. 
     N u n i n (whispers).  I know, only, Fyodor Yakovlevitch, be  a  good  man 
and let us call you your excellency! The family here, you see, is  patriarchal; 
it respects the aged, it likes rank. 
     R e v u n o v.  Oh, if it's like that, very well... (Goes to  the  table.) 
Awfully! 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a.  Sit down, your excellency! Be  so 
good as to have some of this, your excellency! Only forgive us  for  not  being 
used to etiquette; we're plain people! 
     R e v u n o v (not hearing).  What? Hm... yes. 

                                   Pause. 

Yes... In the old days everybody used to live simply and was happy. In spite of 
my rank, I am a man who lives plainly. To-day Andrey comes to me and asks me to 
come here to the wedding. "How shall I go," I said, "when I  don't  know  them? 
It's not good manners!" But  he  says:  "They  are  good,  simple,  patriarchal 
people, glad to see anybody." Well, if that's the case... why not? Very glad to 
come. It's very dull for me at home by myself, and if my presence at a  wedding 
can make anybody happy, then I'm delighted to be here... 
     Z h i g a l o v.  Then that's sincere, is it, your excellency?  I  respect 
that! I'm a plain man myself, without any deception, and I respect  others  who 
are like that. Eat, your excellency! 
     A p l o m b o v.  Is it long since you retired, your excellency? 
     R e v u n o v.  Eh? Yes, yes... Quite true... Yes. But, excuse me, what is 
this? The fish is sour... and the bread is sour. I can't eat this! 

           A p l o m b o v  and  D a s h e n k a  kiss each other.             
               
He, he, he... Your health! 
               
                                   Pause. 
                     
Yes... In the old days everything was simple and everybody was glad...  I  love 
simplicity... I'm an old man. I retired in 1865. I'm 72. Yes, of course, in  my 
younger days it was different, but... (Sees Mozgovoy.) You there...  a  sailor, 
are you? 
     M o z g o v o y.  Yes, just so. 
     R e v u n o v.  Aha, so... yes. The navy means hard work. There's a lot to 
think about and get a headache over. Every insignificant word has, so to speak, 
its special meaning! For instance, "Hoist her top-sheets and mainsail!"  What's 
it mean? A sailor can tell! He, he! With almost mathematical precision! 
     N u n i n.  The health of  his  excellency  Fyodor  Yakovlevitch  Revunov-
Karaulov! 

                       Band plays a flourish. Cheers. 
        
     Y a t s.  You, your  excellency,  have  just  expressed  yourself  on  the 
subject of the hard work involved in a naval  career.  But  is  telegraphy  any 
easier? Nowadays, your excellency, nobody is appointed to the telegraphs if  he 
cannot read and write French and German. But the transmission of  telegrams  is 
the most difficult thing of all. Awfully difficult! Just listen. 

       Taps with his fork on the table, like a telegraphic transmitter.                  

     R e v u n o v.  What does that mean? 
     Y a t s.  It means, "I honour you, your excellency, for your virtues." You 
think it's easy? Listen now. (Taps.) 
     R e v u n o v.  Louder; I can't hear... 
     Y a t s.  That means, "Madam, how happy I am to hold you in my embraces!" 
     R e v u n o v.  What madam are you talking about?  Yes...  (To  Mozgovoy.) 
Yes, if there's a head-wind you  must...  let's  see...  you  must  hoist  your 
foretop halyards and topsail halyards! The order is: "On the cross-trees to the 
foretop halyards and topsail halyards" and at the same time, as the  sails  get 
loose, you take hold underneath of  the  foresail  and  fore-topsail  halyards, 
stays and braces. 
     G r o o m s m a n (rising).  Ladies and gentlemen... 
     R e v u n o v (cutting him short).  Yes... there are a great  many  orders 
to give. "Furl the fore-topsail and the foretop-gallant sail!!" Well, what does 
that mean? It's very simple! It means that if the top and top-gallant sails are 
lifting the halyards, they must level the foretop and foretop-gallant  halyards 
on the hoist and at the same time  the  top-gallants  braces,  as  needed,  are 
loosened according to the direction of the wind... 
     N u n i n (to Revunov).  Fyodor Yakovlevitch, Mme. Zhigalov  asks  you  to 
talk  about  something  else.  It's  very  dull  for  the  guests,  who   can't 
understand... 
     R e v u n o v.  What? Who's dull? (To Mozgovoy.) Young  man!  Now  suppose 
the ship is lying by the wind, on the starboard  tack,  under  full  sail,  and 
you've got to bring her before the wind. What's  the  order?  Well,  first  you 
whistle up above! He, he! 
     N u n i n.  Fyodor Yakovlevitch, that's enough. Eat something. 
     R e v u n o v.  As soon as the men are on deck you  give  the  order,  "To 
your places!" What a life! You give orders, and at the same time you've got  to 
keep your eyes on the sailors, who run about like flashes of lightning and  get 
the sails and braces right. And at last you can't restrain  yourself,  and  you 
shout, "Good children!" (He chokes and coughs.) 
     G r o o m s m a n (making haste to use the ensuing  pause  to  advantage). 
On this occasion, so to speak, on the day on which  we  have  met  together  to 
honour our dear... 
     R e v u n o v (interrupting).  Yes, you've got to remember all  that!  For 
instance, "Hoist the topsail halyards. Lower the topsail gallants!" 
     G r o o m s m a n (annoyed).  Why does he keep on interrupting? We  shan't 
get through a single speech like that! 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a.   We   are   dull   people,   your 
excellency, and don't understand a word of all that, but if you were to tell us 
something appropriate... 
     R e v u n o v (not hearing).  I've already had supper, thank you. Did  you 
say there was goose? Thanks...  yes.  I've  remembered  the  old  days...  It's 
pleasant, young man! You sail on the sea, you  have  no  worries,  and  (in  an 
excited tone of voice) do you remember the joy of tacking? Is  there  a  sailor 
who doesn't glow at the memory of that manoeuvre? As soon as the word is  given 
and the whistle blown and the crew begins to go up - it's  as  if  an  electric 
spark has run through them all. From the captain to the cabin-boy,  everybody's 
excited. 
     Z m e y u k i n a.  How dull! How dull! 

                              General murmur. 

     R e v u n o v (who has  not  heard  it  properly).  Thank  you,  I've  had 
supper. (With enthusiasm.) Everybody's ready, and looks to the senior  officer. 
He gives the command: "Stand by, gallants and topsail braces on  the  starboard 
side, main and counter-braces to port!" Everything's done in a twinkling.  Top-
sheets and jib-sheets are pulled... taken to starboard. (Stands up.)  The  ship 
takes the wind and at last the sails fill out. The senior officer  orders,  "To 
the braces," and himself keeps his eye on the mainsail, and when at  last  this 
sail is filling out and the ship begins to turn, he yells at  the  top  of  his 
voice, "Let go the braces! Loose the main halyards!"  Everything  flies  about, 
there's a general confusion for a moment - and everything is  done  without  an 
error. The ship has been tacked! 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a    (exploding).    General,    your 
manners... You ought to be ashamed of yourself, at your age! 
     R e v u n o v.  Did you say sausage? No, I haven't had any... thank you. 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a. (loudly).  I say you ought  to  be 
ashamed of yourself at your age! General, your manners are awful! 
     N u n i n (confused).  Ladies and gentlemen, is it worth it? Really... 
     R e v u n o v.  In the first place, I'm not a general, but a  second-class 
naval captain, which, according to the  table  of  precedence,  corresponds  to 
a lieutenant-colonel. 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a.  If you're  not  a  general,  then 
what did you go and take our money for? We never paid you money to behave  like 
that! 
     R e v u n o v (upset).  What money? 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a.  You know  what  money.  You  know 
that you got 25 roubles from Andrey Andreyevitch... (To Nunin.)  And  you  look 
out, Andrey! I never asked you to hire a man like that! 
     N u n i n.  There now... let it drop. Is it worth it? 
     R e v u n o v.  Paid... hired... What is it? 
     A p l o m b o v.  Just let me ask you this. Did  you  receive  25  roubles 
from Andrey Andreyevitch? 
     R e v u n o v.  What 25 roubles? (Suddenly realizing.) That's what it  is! 
Now I understand it all... How mean! How mean! 
     A p l o m b o v.  Did you take the money? 
     R e v u n o v.  I haven't taken any money! Get away from me!  (Leaves  the 
table.) How mean! How low! To insult an old man, a sailor, an officer  who  has 
served long and faithfully! If you were decent people  I  could  call  somebody 
out, but what can I do now? (Absently.) Where's the door? Which way  do  I  go? 
Waiter, show me the way out! Waiter! (Going.) How mean! How low! (Exit.) 
     N a s t a s y a  T i m o f e y e v n a.   Andrey,    where    are    those 
25 roubles? 
     N u n i n.  Is it worth while bothering about such trifles? What  does  it 
matter! Everybody's happy here, and here you go... (Shouts.) The health of  the 
bride and bridegroom! A march! A march! 

                          The band plays a march. 

The health of the bride and bridegroom! 
     Z m e y u k i n a.  I'm suffocating! Give me atmosphere!  I'm  suffocating 
with you all round me! 
     Y a t s (in a transport of delight).  My beauty! My beauty! 
            
                                   Uproar. 

     G r o o m s m a n (trying  to  shout  everybody  else  down).  Ladies  and 
gentlemen! On this occasion, if I may say so... 

                                  Curtain. 

     1889, 1902

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